I like being home. Some days, there’s nothing more that I want in the world than to curl up on the sofa with a book or binge some Netflix for hours on end. And now that it’s not only socially acceptable, but legally mandated that I stay home — I WANT TO GET OUT.
I changed the sheets on my bed, including the pillow cases, and put a new comforter on, rotated the mattress, walked the dogs (several times), did sooo much laundry, did the dishes, mopped… hell I even washed the broom. I haven’t been able to sit still all weekend, and I have been looking forward to binging Ozark S3 for weeks. And I couldn’t sit through one episode. It took me all day yesterday to get through the 1st episode. It’s not you Ozark, It’s me.
Am I broken? Am I going crazy? I keep reminding myself that there is no proper or expected way to feel right now, but it’s not helping. Or it is helping, just not enough.
And if I could go out? What would I do? I’d probably go to 7-11, get some Doritos and rent a movie from Redbox. I don’t have Doritos here but I do have Tostitos and salsa, and thanks to the internet, there’s a million movies to choose from. So it’s not like I would really be doing much differently.
I picked out a movie for tonight. Portrait of a Lady on Fire. I’ve been waiting to see this since I saw a trailer around Christmas. Now it’s on Hulu, and I made it less than 5 minutes in before turning it off. It’s a foreign language film and I just can’t right now.
Many of my friends have been baking to keep busy. Everyone was talking about what kinds of cookies they are making. Snickerdoodles! I would love a fresh baked snickerdoodle right now. I even looked up some recipes. Did a mental inventory to see if I had the ingredients. And then I remembered — I hate baking.
When I first heard I’d need to stay home for 2 weeks, I thought to myself “I’ve got this. It will be awesome!”
I believe in social distancing, I believe the best thing we ALL can be doing right now is staying the F home. Flatten the curve and all that shit. But I hate not having the freedom to go out, I hate being forced to stay at home, even if that’s exactly what I’d be doing if I were free to choose.
Trump announced today that instead of “reopening by Easter”, he now believes we should continue social distancing measures until the end of April. I wanted to jump up and shout for joy at hearing this. Finally, he is doing something right. I also wanted to burst into tears because WTF am I going to do for another 32 days??!
Also, I feel guilty, because I know a lot of people are struggling right now. Many people have lost their jobs, or their healthcare, or both, or something else equally horrible. Or maybe they never had a job, or healthcare, or a home. I feel selfish and entitled.
So here’s to all the essentials out there; the doctors and nurses (and all healthcare workers), the people keeping the lights on and the water running, the UPS guy who’s coming to my house to bring me all the things.
And to anyone else who’s feeling it (whatever it may be), we’re all in this together, and if you need to talk, let me know.